Sign in front of a store:

We Buy Junk; We sell Antiques.

One man went to the Public Service Commission office in Delhi,

and said, "Sir, I am an artist. I have come for an interview."

The receptionist said, 'Please draw a chair and sit down!"

The man took out his brush, and started to draw a chair on the

floor.

One senior clerk wrote this to his boss, explaining why he was absent from work:

'because I had too much pain in the (w)hole of my body.'

One Indian fellow wanted to meet the King. The sentry at the gate would not let him in. The sentry asked him why he wanted to see the King. The man said, 'I want to ask the King for a favor.'

'OK, whatever you get from the King I want half.' The man said,

'OK, whatever I get, I will give half to you, and the other half to your friend'.

The sentry let him in.

When the King asked him, 'What do you want?', the man said, "Your honor, I want 100 lashes'.

"But this is strange!" said the King. "You want 100 lashes?"

However the King reluctantly agreed and called for a man to administer the lashes.

The man said, "Wait a minute Sir, please call the sentry and his friend'. They were called.

"Please give 50 lashes each to these two guys."

"But why?"

The man explained the deal he had earlier struck with the sentry.

One man was hit by a bullet in a riot. He went

to the doctor, who cut open his stomach and soon sewed it back.

The doc asked him to come back in one month. A month later, the

doc cut open his stomach again and sewed it back. This went on

for six months.

 Finally the man asked, "Doc, why do you cut open my stomach

every month and sew it back?'

 The doc said, 'I am trying the find the bullet that hit you.

Until I find it, it's hard to sure you'.

 The patient said, 'Why didn't you tell me before? The bullet is

in my coat pocket.'

One family was travelling in a boat. Suddenly the boat developed a crack and started sinking. The man was trying to save his wife.

The wife said, 'Honey, first try to save your mother, because nobody will come to save her, but tens of people will come forward to save me.'

When I went to South Carolina on a course on the PMS (policy management system) software, I asked my Black taxi driver, 'how are the race relations now in south Carolina? Do Whites and Blacks mix?'

 "In the day-time they mix little, but during the night, they mix a lot,' he replied.

A boy used to say, I want to pass urine, to his mother. His mom told him, 'Son, don't use the word, passing urine, because it doesn't sound good. Say, I want to sing a song. I will understand and take you to the bathroom.' So, the boy started doing that.

One day, the boy's mother went to the hospital to deliver a baby and the boy had to stay at his uncle's house. At 12 midnight, when all children were sleeping, the boy said to his auntie,

'Auntie, I want to sing a song'.

'At this time? Wait till tomorrow, then you can sing songs.'

 'Yes, I want to sing a song now!'

 'OK, when everyone is fast sleep, you can sing a song slowly in

my ears.'

 'OK," said the boy. After a few minutes, the boy opened his pants, pointed his penis towards his auntie's ears, and ..............

Mikhail Gorbachev said this joke to the press reporters after attending a congress around Nov. 29,1990:

Mitterand, President of France has 100 lovers, one of them has AIDS, and he doesn't know which one.

President George Bush of U.S. has 100 body guards, one of them is a terrorist, and he doesn't know which one.

Gorbachev has 100 economic advisors, one of them is correct, and he doesn't know which one.

- Quoted in Saudi Gazette of Nov. 29, 1990.

Some people believe that in most families either the man dominates or the woman. He was saying how a man said, "I make the major decisions in my family and my wife takes minor decisions."

"What decisions does your wife take?" asked his friend.

"She decides things like which house to buy, which schools to send children to, whether to invest money in mutual funds or GIC (i.e. CD) and things like that"

"And what decisions do you take?"

"I make major decisions like, whether Russia should pull out of Afghanistan, whether USA should send troops to Bosnia, and big decisions like this."

One student asked of his professor, "Where is the Chemistry (pronounce ch as in cheese) class, Professor Chopra?"

"It's not chemistry, you... it's Kemistry!"

"Ok then where is the Kemistry class, Mr. Kopra?"

One lady received a nicely wrapped box in the mail She opened it

and found another box inside. Full of trepidation, she opened it,

and found yet another box inside it. She opened it again and

found smaller box. Finally she took it to her husband and asked

him to open it. The man did and found another smaller box inside

it. He opened that and found another smaller box.

The man took it to his best friend and asked him to try . The

man opened the box and found another box inside.

(You can make this thing go on and on and on and on

...........)

One man wanted to watch dirty movies on his TV but there

were no channels that broadcast such programs. One day he got an

idea. "This must be in the dish antenna. It's too damned clean,"

he thought. "Why not dirty it by pouring the contents of the

garbage can onto it?"

This is what he did. But unfortunately he still didn't get

dirty movie on his TV. Poor guy!

What's the difference between love and AIDS?

AIDS lasts forever!

 What's the difference between an Australian wedding and an

Australian funeral?

One less drunk at the funeral!

Three men were crossing a river. The American crossed first and

he got eaten by a crocodile. Then the French crossed and he too

was eaten up. The Indian was last. He too decided to cross,

thinking that he had no other choice. He crossed but the

crocodile didn't eat him.

"Why didn't you eat me" he asked.

"Because the last time I ate an Indian, my ass ached for

weeks." replied the crocodile.

(It was due to the spices in the Indian's tummy.)

One man came to Toronto from Newfoundland. He was looking at tall buildings and

saying, "Wow!" One cop stopped him. 

"Where are you from?"

"I'm from Newfoundland."

"Didn't you know that in Toronto, looking like that at tall

buildings is illegal"

"I didn't know that, Sir."

"Ok. It'll cost you $1 for each building you have seen. How

many tall buildings have you seen so far?"

The man thought for a minute, then replied, "three."

"Ok, give me 3 dollars"

The man parted with his 3 dollars. Later that evening, he was

telling his friends, "You know, I really fooled that policeman. I

saw 300 buildings but admitted to and paid for only three."

During the days of Communism in Russia, a dog, big and strong,

came from USSR to India and asked for permission to stay.

"Why do you want to stay here?" asked an Indian dog. "In your

country you get a lot to eat. Over here, food is hard to come

by!"

"Because over there I couldn't bark!" replied the Russian dog.

At the turn of the century, critic and playwright George Bernard

Shaw attended a posh London dinner party. He found himself seated

near an attractive, young lady aristocrat. Their dinner chatter

was droll and merry.

Over dessert, Shaw posed the woman a question: "Mademoiselle,

would you bed a respectable man for one mere night if he was to

donate a million pounds to your favorite charity?"

She warmed to the topic and debated it delightfully. In the

end, she agreed that she would, for the good it would do others.

Asked Shaw: "How about sleeping with me for a fiver?"

Her Victorian shock was palpable: "Mister Shaw! What do you

think I am?"

"We've established what you are, my dear. Now we are just

haggling about the price."

 JOKE ABOUT STALE JOKES: One man had earned ill-fame for telling

stale jokes and people were fed up with those god-forsaken jokes.

Once one of his listeners got caught in an assassination case.

The police beat him, tortured him, but he would not disclose the

man who had master-minded the operation. Then the police got an

idea. They brought the joke teller and asked him to repeat his

jokes. The listener said: Sir, I will tell you every thing I know

about the case, just don't ask him to repeat the same jokes

again.

JOKE ABOUT JOKES: At one party one man reputed for telling jokes

said '#30' and people would laugh a little. Then he would say

'#23' and people would laugh a little more. He would then say

'#56' and people would laugh a lot. One man who was new to the

crowd asked: What is this #34, and so on?

"This man has been telling the same jokes over and over again.

So we assigned each joke a number so he would not have to repeat

the same joke, By simply saying the joke number we would know

which joke he was referring, and we would laugh.

 They say 'strong fences make good neighbors'.

After Iraq invaded and annexed Kuwait, the Emir of Bahrain called up Saddam Hussain and asked him, 'You swine, your cur, why did you invade Kuwait?'

Saddam asked, 'Who is this?'

"Sir, this is Emir of Qatar," replied the caller.

- From Time magazine's article about Naguib Mahfouz. This was the joke told by people in the streets of Cairo in December 1990.